Saved by Their One-Night Baby Page 16

  ‘Don’t be sorry.’ He just wanted to hold her and wipe the tears away, but the invisible armour she was wearing made him rethink that.

  ‘You were supposed to be a fling, Ethan.’ Her hands fisted by her sides and he got the feeling she was trying to summon all her strength to deal with the emotional fallout. ‘I guess you can still be that. I won’t hold you to anything.’

  ‘You won’t be short of anything, I’ll make sure of it.’

  Her shoulders sagged. ‘Except a presence. That right?’

  He didn’t want to make promises he couldn’t keep but he knew he couldn’t walk away and never have any contact again. This child was a part of him. ‘I want to be involved with my baby, Claire. That much I do know.’

  ‘Just not with me, right?’

  What would happen? After getting to know him better she’d eventually discover he wasn’t worth it...in exactly the same way Chase had thought so, and his parents too. He didn’t want to put that sort of pressure on her. Surely it was better just to be a provider rather than a lover? ‘It’s early days. We don’t know where you’re going to be, where either of us will be.’

  ‘I know where I’ll be. I just can’t be confident of where you’ll be.’

  See? She’d already got the true measure of him. ‘What do you want from me, Claire?’

  ‘I don’t know. Something that says you’ll be there when I need you to be, for our child. That you’ll turn up if you say you’re going to. That you won’t let him or her down.’

  ‘I won’t.’ But she kept looking at him as if not trusting his words. ‘What do you want, Claire? A marriage proposal?’

  Her eyes flared brightly as she looked at him, her gaze burning deep into his soul. ‘Ethan, we both know that doing something as rash as that won’t help.’

  But something fierce bloomed in his heart and he wondered...could it be possible? Could he do it? Could he stop moving and settle? Could he do all the things normal people did? Could he be someone his child was proud of knowing? Could he stick with Claire, wherever she was? Even in France?

  He just didn’t know.

  The door flew open and Kristina ran in. ‘Hey, can one of you come and give me a hand with Mustafa? He’s fitting in the men’s toilet. Chase was there but he’s had to go to another emergency, a fight or something.’

  ‘Sure thing.’ Claire looked relieved that they were no longer alone.

  As Kristina held the door open she called over, ‘Claire, can you bring the oxygen too in case we need it when he’s post-ictal?’

  Ethan shook his head vehemently and unlocked the chain around the large cylinder on wheels. ‘No. I’ll do it.’

  But Claire glared at him. ‘I can manage just fine.’

  ‘I said I’ll do it.’ And then he’d make damned sure she was safe and well and back on shore as soon as possible. He wasn’t going to let anything jeopardise that fledgling life in her belly.

  His child.

  His baby.

  Bloody hell.

  * * *

  An hour later Claire was throwing up over the side of the ship when Kristina came over and rubbed her back. ‘Better out than in, eh?’

  ‘I’d prefer it to stay where I put it.’ Claire moaned.

  ‘Remember when we first came on board? It settled after a couple of days.’

  This won’t settle for months. Claire rinsed her mouth out with her water bottle. No point in keeping it a secret from Kristina. ‘I don’t think it’ll just be a few days, Kristina. I’m pregnant.’

  ‘Oh, honey.’ Her friend wrapped her arms around her and it felt great to have a non-judgemental no-agenda hug.

  If only she could have done this with Ethan instead of being both angry and besotted. Confused didn’t even begin to describe how she was feeling. She still couldn’t get Adele Cabot out of her head, and also Mariam with her single-minded determination to do everything as a solo mum.

  Claire wiped a surreptitious tear away. ‘It’s okay. It’s fine.’ It would be. It would have to be.

  ‘And Ethan?’ Kristina squeezed Claire’s shoulder. ‘He’s the father, right?’

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘And how’s he taking it?’

  ‘He says he wants to be involved, but I can’t see it happening. I couldn’t make him stay with me in France because he hates the place and I couldn’t imagine bringing up a baby in refugee central. Not until I know what I’m doing anyway. And besides all of that...we’re not together.’

  I love him.

  Her heart felt as if it was snapping in two but it was her baby she was sad for. She knew not all marriages were happy ones and that millions of women had brought up children on their own—she just hadn’t planned it to be that way for her. She didn’t want their child to suffer in any way, and having a father who might or might not be around would be awful. ‘Worse, he wants me to talk to Chase.’

  Her friend nodded. ‘I imagine he does.’

  ‘I can stay here, right? On the ship? Until my stint is finished?’

  Kristina sat back and wiped a tear from Claire’s cheek. ‘Tell me, honestly, do you feel this is a safe environment for a pregnant woman?’

  ‘I can protect myself. There must be guidelines about this kind of thing.’

  ‘There’s what’s called an offshore agreement.’ Kristina nodded. ‘It says you have to inform the vessel master as soon as the pregnancy is confirmed.’

  ‘And...?’ There was clearly more to come. Claire’s stomach tightened, because she didn’t think it was going to be positive.

  ‘If circumstances are hazardous, we’d need to drop you off at the first port of call.’

  Claire knew she was clutching at straws as she pointed out the calm waters. ‘This isn’t hazardous, we’re hardly moving.’

  ‘But there have been times where we’ve strapped ourselves down in a storm, remember?’ Kristina smiled kindly. ‘Only you can make that kind of decision but you have to be honest with yourself—how would you feel if you put yourself, the baby and possibly others at risk in a storm or with unrest or a confused patient like Mustafa earlier? Ethan mentioned you were almost kicked in the stomach.’

  ‘I know I have to start being sensible, I just don’t want it to end.’

  ‘What? The assignment, or whatever it is you have going on with Ethan?’ Canny Kristina. Nothing much passed her by.

  At least being here meant Claire saw him every day, every hour if she wanted. She couldn’t imagine how she’d feel if she were miles away from him. Would he think about her the way she thought about him? Would his heart hurt the way hers did? She didn’t want to admit it, but she’d fallen hard for him. Too deep, too hard. One look across that bar and she’d fallen.

  Love at first sight. Maybe it did exist after all. For the dreamers and the believers.

  But real love? The lasting, permanent, forever kind? Loving a man who was utterly unattainable and completely noncommittal? One-sided love wasn’t enough where they were concerned. She squeezed her eyes closed. How could she have been so stupid?

  Because he was kind and compassionate and funny and sexy as hell. With something to prove.

  ‘Okay, to be honest, I don’t want either to end,’ she acknowledged to Kristina. ‘I want both to keep on going and I know it’s all going to come to a grinding halt the minute I leave this ship. My dreams, my hopes, my plans. My heart. All gone in a puff of smoke.’

  Kristina tilted Claire’s chin up. ‘But you’ll have something amazing to look forward to, right? That baby is going to be one heck of a cutie.’

  Claire ran her hand across her belly and for the first time since she’d done the test she smiled. Because this was a baby. Oh, mon Dieu. This was amazing. A new life, and part of her and Ethan. ‘If he’s anything like his father then...yes, he sure will be.’

  * * *

  Unfor
tunately, Chase wasn’t quite so effusive and positive. ‘Of course, you have every right to stay on board, but I have to caution you about the dangers.’

  ‘I know.’ Claire had waited until the next morning to both pluck up courage to face her boss with the news and do some research. Everyone knew the first trimester was the riskiest and her nausea was only getting worse. Today she’d had to run three times to the toilet and had lost her breakfast, morning snack and a cup of coffee. So she was exhausted now as well as frequently leaving her duties and dashing off. Why couldn’t she be one of those women who didn’t get morning sickness? And then, what if she was having an ectopic pregnancy and needed emergency treatment and they were too far from shore? What if Mustafa had actually kicked her in the belly? What if Fuaad’s infection had spread?

  And then...what if everything turned out just fine? Frustration rushed through her. ‘Pretty sure plenty of women have been pregnant on a ship, though.’

  ‘Indeed they have. But there are risks, especially on a ship like this. We’re heading out close to Menorca this afternoon, then we’re turning southeast where we’re more likely to pick people up. There’s a storm blowing through tomorrow, pretty fierce by all accounts, so we’re going to take a battering. We could drop you off at Menorca. Why don’t you have a think and get back to me? In, what, an hour? Then we can change course, get you off the ship and onto a plane to somewhere you want to be.’

  ‘I want to be here.’ She’d been on the boat in bad weather before, she could cope with this. But now she knew she sounded like a petulant child. What she needed and what she wanted were two separate things.

  ‘Claire doesn’t need to think any more about this.’ Ethan? What the hell? How dared he? He strode into the room with possession in his eyes. ‘If that storm is as bad as the forecast then we’ll all be vulnerable out here.’ He turned to her. ‘It’s a medicane, bringing severe weather. I just heard about it on the radio and came to find you. We need to get you off as soon as we can.’

  She didn’t know whether to kiss him hard for being so passionate about her welfare or whether to tell him where to get off.

  Chase frowned. ‘I think this is Claire’s decision to make.’

  ‘It’s my baby too.’ Ethan stood tall and bold, pride shimmering from every pore, not backing down.

  God, he was magnificent when he stood firm, protecting his child. But for how long? Magnificent didn’t change nappies in the middle of the night, or rub feet after a hard day, not when magnificent was on another continent.

  ‘What? Your...?’ Chase’s eyes widened and he looked at each of them in turn. Then raised his hand. ‘This is your private business. But it’s my mission and I have others to think about too. Let me know in an hour.’

  ‘She’s going. If you don’t drop her somewhere safe then I’ll damned well release a RHIB and take her ashore myself.’ Ethan clearly was not up for discussing this.

  ‘Excuse me, I am here.’ Claire knew they were both trying to work out what was for the best. ‘This is for me to decide, not either of you.’

  But her heart knew what her head was trying to compute. A severe storm wasn’t going to help her and, if anything, she could be the one needing care. That was not what she’d signed up for, she didn’t want to become the patient here. She had to admit defeat, or reframe it in a positive choice of taking her first steps as a mother and protecting her child. That was a good thing. ‘It’s okay. I don’t need an hour. Take me to Menorca, I’ll make my own way home from there.’

  Ethan nodded, catching her eye. She saw pain there and determination and she didn’t know which caught her sharply in the ribs the most because she knew if she left there was a good chance she wouldn’t see him again.

  She turned and left the room as quickly as she could before she broke down in front of them. The dream was well and truly over, not just for her life as she’d planned it, but with Ethan too.

  She didn’t have long to fester in her cabin with her bad mood before he came and found her packing. ‘Claire, I’m so sorry. I know you wanted more time, but that storm sounds like a howler. It’s for the best.’

  ‘For the baby, yes.’ Her gut was in knots and her heart was twisting slowly and painfully as she folded up her ‘Medicine For All’ T-shirt and put it in her rucksack. That one thing was her symbol of freedom. Packed away again for another time, another life.

  He strode right into the room. ‘I couldn’t live with myself if anything happened to either of you.’

  Her throat was so thick with frustration she couldn’t speak, so she just went on biting her lip and stuffing things into her bag.

  After watching her for a few seconds he took the folded-up sweater out of her hand and put it on top of the T-shirt. Bad enough that he wanted her to go, but he was helping her pack too. His voice was soft, though, and filled with care. ‘Claire, I didn’t expect it to get to this point.’

  ‘You and me both.’

  ‘I don’t mean about the baby. I mean about you and me. Us. This.’ Shaking his head, he took her toiletry bag out of her hands and slotted it next to her sweater. Then took her hands in his. ‘Claire, you’re amazing. You’re open and warm and caring and so damned sexy it makes me hard just thinking of you.’

  That made her smile a little. ‘The sex and the kissing weren’t the problem. Just the end result, right?’

  ‘I want you to know that I...’

  Hope flickered in her chest. ‘You?’

  ‘I do care for you. Very much. I hope that’s obvious. But—’

  ‘It’s okay. Please don’t say it.’ But. But. But. This was the kiss-off. She wanted to put her hands over his mouth and stop the words, better yet, put her mouth over his and swallow all his pain. ‘Don’t say the words, Ethan. I know what you think and it’s okay.’ If she wasn’t enough to make him want to be with her, then she wasn’t going to try to make him love her. ‘I’ve written my contact details down. Please give me yours. For the baby.’

  She had to concentrate on that now. Not on this or him or her breaking heart. She shook her fingers away from his, but not before she ran her skin over his fingertips. Then she handed him the piece of paper she’d put next to her bag.

  He glanced at it and inhaled sharply. ‘You’re going home? To the mountains?’

  It was no doubt the final nail in the coffin of their...relationship? Whatever it was, it had been short but so intense and deep and she wasn’t sure she’d ever really get over him. ‘I have people who love me there. This little one will have family to grow up with. It’s a good place.’

  ‘But claustrophobic.’ His one fear.

  ‘Only if you let it be. Not for a child.’

  His smile was small but soft. ‘I bet you’ll be telling him or her stories about all the places you want to go. Pretending you’re there with them.’

  ‘I think, perhaps, playing games is over for me, Ethan. It’s time to get real.’ She put her hand to her stomach and he followed with his eyes. Then he reached out. ‘Can I?’

  No. No. ‘There’s nothing to feel.’

  But she closed her eyes as he pressed his palm over her abdomen. Clenched her eyelids tight to stop the threatening tears. One was on the verge of escaping so she palmed it away, hoping he wouldn’t see how much he meant to her.

  But then, tired of fighting it, she finally leaned against him, her head on his shoulder, breathing in his scent.

  ‘Claire.’ He said her name like a prayer as he wound his arms around her waist, drawing her close and nuzzling against her neck. And she clung on, forcing back the sobs in her throat, forcing back the words on her lips.

  Je t’aime.

  She loved him hard and deep and for ever.

  And look what that had got her: a baby and a broken heart.

  ‘Right.’ She breathed deeply and pulled away from him. ‘I have to finish packing. You were going to giv
e me your contact details?’

  ‘Yes.’ He swallowed hard, his features haunted. ‘Of course.’

  She waited until he’d finished tapping into his phone. Nodded as her mobile beeped with his details. ‘Right, I should go up on deck now. We’ll be docking in ten minutes.’

  ‘Claire...’ His eyes misted and he tugged her close again and she prayed he’d say the words she had on repeat in her head and with every beat in her heart.

  Je t’aime. Je t’aime. Je t’aime.

  Someone whistling outside the door made her jump and she stepped away from him, out of reach. ‘Someone might see.’

  He shook his head. ‘I don’t care if anyone sees us. Chase and Kristina know and others will probably guess. It’s out there now.’

  ‘I care, Ethan. I care because we haven’t decided anything except that I’m being shipped home and you’re going to be here and then who knows where.’ The longer they were apart the more her heart would break and the more likely it was he’d forget the way they felt when they were together.

  She couldn’t tell him to stop roaming the desert looking for peace, she couldn’t make him fall in love with her, but she had to say something for their baby’s sake. ‘You have the chance now to be a father. That’s worth something, Ethan. Worth all those lives you saved, surely? More than that, it’s the most precious job in the world. And...if you can’t love me that’s okay—’

  ‘I...’ He opened and closed his mouth, clearly not knowing the right words to say. She knew what they were. Je t’aime. But he didn’t say them. He didn’t say anything at all.

  ‘Just please love this baby,’ she begged, not wanting to hear anything that would hurt her heart, and she wanted to be able to tell their child that she’d fought for it. ‘It will need you, Ethan. I know you didn’t get the best upbringing, but things don’t have to be that way. You can be a part of his or her life, a big part.’

  ‘I will be.’

  For the child, but not for me. ‘So where will you go when you’re done here?’

  She wanted him to say Moustiers, Marseille, even just France, anywhere that meant he was within reach. He gave a little shrug. ‘That depends on the agency.’