A Puppy and a Christmas Proposal Page 8

  He slid his arms round her waist and pulled her to him. She wound her arms inside his coat and for the briefest moment she let herself fall into the feeling...muscled arms, broad chest, Alex Norton was more than before.

  Before...before he snapped her heart in two and went loco.

  He’d left her broken.

  It was utter madness, going back there. Some sort of collision course of masochism. He’d already damaged her once. She was not going to let him do it again. She stepped back, struggling to catch her breath and pressing a shaking hand to her face, trying to take the heat out of her skin. ‘Once upon a time I would have loved to kiss you a whole lot more, Alex Norton. But not now.’

  He shook his head, running his fingers across his scalp. ‘I know. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t. We shouldn’t—I just...’

  Now. She needed answers now. Before she did something else stupid. She needed to hear he’d got over her and that this was just a little out-of-control lust that would fade the second she walked out.

  She took another deep breath that eased a little of the shaking in her limbs. ‘Okay. It’s time... I’ve got to get a handle on what’s going on here. You said the other day that you wish things were different. How? That you’d dumped me in a different way? That you’d been kinder? That you’d hung around long enough to explain a little more why the supposed love of your life wasn’t for life, she wasn’t even for damned Christmas? What?’

  ‘Oh, Beth.’ He held his palms up. ‘You have every right to be angry with me.’

  ‘Too right, mate.’ The rage of old started to rise up in her chest, mingling with the rush of pure desire she’d had being wrapped in him. And now she was so conflicted. She wanted to kiss him, but she was, deep down, still angry with him. How could you want to kiss someone who made you feel all mixed-up inside?

  She fought it, because she didn’t want him to see what he’d done to her and she wasn’t sure she wanted to hear what he had to say. Closure was one thing, but actively putting yourself in the line of fire was something else altogether. But she needed to draw a line under the past so she took a moment to control herself then said, as calmly as she could, ‘You dumped me just before Christmas and then went travelling. You broke promises and I’m still not sure exactly what I’d done wrong. Basically, you broke my heart, Alex. Why wouldn’t I be angry about that?’

  His eyes flickered closed. When they opened again they were haunted and dark. ‘I didn’t go travelling, Beth.’

  ‘Yes, you did. Your parents told me. Thailand or something. I can’t remember the details. Hard to listen when your heart is breaking.’ She’d briefly seen them when she’d come back from university for the Christmas holidays. They were heading off now, they’d said as they’d bundled suitcases into their car. We’re so sorry, it’s what he wants. And she’d been left with a zillion unanswered questions and had gone back to university none the wiser, and growing angrier by the day.

  ‘I didn’t go travelling. I was in England. London, actually.’

  ‘What?’ That wasn’t true. ‘Please don’t lie. Your mum said Thailand, I’m sure. Anyhow, you were travelling. You were taking a term off or something... It was so sudden and so unlike you that I thought you were having a breakdown or something. I thought it might have something to do with losing your cousin and you feeling guilty or depressed. But they were adamant you just wanted time out to travel.’

  He breathed out heavily. ‘Well, if you call being wheeled from the ward to Theatre and back again, then to Oncology, then to chemotherapy ad infinitum travelling, then I guess you could say I was fully immersed in the experience.’

  What the hell? He’d been sick? Her heart contracted. ‘Oncology? Chemo? What are you talking about? Your parents told me—’

  He pulled out a chair from behind the desk and slumped down on it. ‘I know what they said, Beth, because I told them to say that. I didn’t want you to know the truth.’

  ‘But...’ She didn’t even want to say the word, never mind think through the implications. ‘Oncology?’

  ‘Testicular cancer.’

  ‘Oh, my God.’ Her heart collapsed in on itself and she went to put her arms around him. But stopped, because she didn’t know whether holding him now was a good thing or not or where it might lead or what to do generally. While her mind reached out for explanations and reasoning her body ached for him. She didn’t know how to act, but she sure as hell knew how to feel. Right now, she was a mix of so many emotions she lost count. ‘Alex, I’m so sorry. It must have been so frightening—and now? Are you okay?’

  He nodded and there was a dim light in his eyes that told her he’d been through too much and he was welcoming the relief to be able to say, ‘All clear.’

  ‘Thank God.’ She breathed out, not even realising her breath had stalled in her throat. He was okay. He was okay. So many questions bubbled around her head and it felt as if there were a heavy weight on her chest. ‘But...like Mikey? You had the same thing as your cousin?’

  She’d been there through Mikey’s treatment, watched a vibrant young man who loved playing football and basketball, who loved music and hanging out, who had been just a regular teenager, be ravaged by the disease. She’d watched the family implode in grief. She’d stood by Alex’s side through it all. It had brought them closer, that was what he’d said, and that she’d been his guiding light in the dark.

  Then, when he’d needed her he’d snuffed the light out and lied?

  He put his hands to his head. ‘Sucks, right? Who would have thought that kind of lightning could strike twice in the same family? But, apparently, with some types of cancer there is a familial link. Only, I survived and he didn’t.’

  Certainly not for the lack of wanting, hoping, bargaining with whatever higher force might listen. Alex had been glued to his older cousin’s bedside, had all but moved into the hospital to help him. He’d attended every appointment with him, asked all the difficult questions and had been there when Mikey had railed at the unjustness of it all. He’d sat up with him for endless nights, distracted him with computer games and talk of the future. But in the end, nothing had helped. Mikey had been diagnosed too late and not even his cousin’s strength and hope could save him.

  And Alex had been through that and told his parents to lie to her? She couldn’t stop her hands from shaking. She suddenly felt sick. He’d been ill, so very ill and he hadn’t wanted her to know? ‘You had cancer and you didn’t tell me? Your girlfriend? Your fiancée? The woman you declared to be the love of your life? You kept that from me? Who even does that?’

  His features flattened. ‘I did.’

  ‘It doesn’t make any sense. Why? Why didn’t you say anything?’

  He reached out and touched her arm. ‘I had my reasons. I was trying to protect you.’

  She shrugged away from him. ‘That really is not how it works. That is not how love works, Alex. Not at all. You stick with them, you trust them to look after you, you let them love you. You don’t lie and get your parents to lie.’

  ‘I was in a panic. It was a shock and I didn’t know what to do.’

  ‘So you pretended you were going on holiday instead of telling me you were in hospital? Wow.’ She needed to breathe fresh air. She needed to get the hell away and work out what this all meant. ‘You broke me. I thought you’d found someone else. I thought you’d got bored. I thought I wasn’t enough.’

  ‘You were enough, Beth. You were everything.’ He shook his head. ‘I’m sorry.’

  ‘That’s really not going to cut it.’

  How could she have been enough if he hadn’t been able to tell her the most intimate thing he was facing?

  Biting back the sting of tears, she stumbled towards the door, almost tripping over Button. And whatever else Alex might have said, she didn’t know. She didn’t want to hear. She slammed the door behind her and crunched across fresh snow, trying to
breathe, trying to understand how anyone could do such a thing.

  He’d been having chemotherapy. He’d been in hospital and she hadn’t known. She’d imagined him on a beach with another woman, having lazy sex under a hot sun. Laughing, kissing, stroking. Loving. Only not with her. But the hard reality had been that he’d faced something utterly frightening and he hadn’t looked to her for support.

  He’d lied to her. He’d not let her in at the most difficult time of his life. It was cruel. Just cruel. He hadn’t given her the chance to care.

  That was all she needed to know.

  CHAPTER SEVEN

  SHE HADN’T LET him explain.

  He tried. He chased after her, but she refused to speak or listen or stop. Since then, at every doggy handover she’d turned down any chance at communication and only gave him reluctant eye contact. He could see that even this morning, days later, she was still seething. She had good reason, but he didn’t want it to go on any more without making her listen; he just had to work out how.

  Which was impossible when he was currently the only glue holding his GP practice together and he had to focus here and not on her and his past. But his head kept on going there. Too much and too often. The kiss still lingered on his lips; he could still remember the taste of her, the way she’d fitted back into his arms as perfectly as before.

  Kissing her had been stupid because it had woken something up inside him. Something that could never be a reality so he’d be better leaving her to stew and to let her hate him. But even if he couldn’t offer her anything before she went back to Glasgow, he wanted to be honest and truthful and open.

  ‘This is Dr Fraser Moore and his daughter, Lily. The cavalry in our hours of need,’ Maxine joked as she introduced Alex to them in the clinic reception area during his Monday lunch break, such as it was—if he was lucky, he’d get five minutes before the next patient strolled in. He noted the clinic was now bedecked in Christmas glitter and tinsel and that the Christmas tree had been decorated. Thankfully, Maxine had steered away from asking him to help a second time. But just the sight of the tinsel had him thinking of Beth all over again. Maxine glared at him and gave him a ‘go on, smile’ kind of look. ‘This is Alex Norton. He’ll show you both round the practice.’

  ‘Good to meet you, Alex. Not sure I’m cavalry material but I’ll do my best at patching up the injured.’ Fraser smiled and shook Alex’s hand. He seemed okay. About the same age as himself...maybe a bit older if he had a teenage daughter. ‘We’re keen to get stuck in and get to know the community here, aren’t we, Lily?’

  The girl slouched forward and nodded. She was like a Fraser female mini-me although where her father had short dark hair, hers was long and pulled into a scruffy ponytail. She had large dark eyes that, also in contrast to her father’s, were not at all amused or brimming with enthusiasm. She wore a thick woollen jumper that was so big on her it looked as if it belonged to her dad and skintight jeans and trainers. The typical uniform of all the teenagers round Oakdale. As was the grouchy look on her face. No smile. No handshake. She just rolled her eyes and managed, ‘Er...yeah. Hi.’

  He wondered if there was a mum around, but it didn’t feel appropriate to ask so Alex just walked them through the clinic, showing Fraser his consulting room, the treatment spaces and nurses’ rooms. ‘It’s your average rural GP clinic, but things are getting a bit hectic with the usual winter colds and flu. There’s only me at the moment, so I’m very glad to have you here.’

  ‘Is tomorrow good for me to start?’ Fraser looked keen. A good thing indeed.

  ‘Tomorrow is great. We’ll arrange a cut-down clinic after a morning orientation. Maxine will run through the software with you, although I think I read you used the same one in your GP practice in London?’

  ‘Sure did. I’ve also done a fair bit of locum work over the years, so I’m used to fitting in and working things out on my own.’

  ‘Have a cuppa before you head out into that cold.’ Maxine brought a tray with tea and biscuits into the staff room and Alex shoved back a groan. He needed to get back to work, but he also needed to be polite.

  It was both a blessing and a curse to be so busy that he could barely breathe, let alone think. The weekend had been a washout, both weather and mood wise. Dark heavy clouds had emptied more snow over the roads and mountains, which had meant his usual weekend activities of hiking and climbing had been cancelled. Normally he used the discipline and concentration of climbing as a form of meditation to clear his head so, being stuck inside with a frisky puppy that seemed to have as much tense energy as Alex did had almost driven him crazy.

  The only outside time he’d managed had been to take Spike out for short walks, between snow falls, around the low-lying hills. But, maybe sensing Alex’s mood or the impasse between him and Beth, their dog had been particularly disobedient, except at their handovers where he’d been exemplary in front of Beth.

  Which had made everything worse.

  Not that much could be worse. He didn’t know how to make it right apart from more talking and she wasn’t having any of that.

  He turned to Lily, who was squirrelling away the custard creams. ‘Will you be going to Bowness High School?’

  The girl shrugged. ‘The same place my dad’s going to run the evening outreach clinics? Great. Can. Not. Wait.’ Her accent was southern, London maybe, longer-stretched-out vowels, no northern bluntness. Except for in her tone. She did not want to be in Oakdale.

  It was Fraser’s turn to grimace. ‘Sorry, yes, she will, after the holidays, no point in her starting just as they’re about to break up for Christmas. She’s going to be helping me out with sorting our things in the cottage.’

  ‘You’ve bought? Renting?’

  ‘Bought,’ Fraser explained. ‘Thought it might make us feel more settled.’

  ‘As if.’ Lily sighed and rolled her eyes. ‘What’s the Wi-Fi like around here? It’s been rubbish all weekend. In Clapham it was brilliant.’

  ‘Sporadic at best.’ Alex caught the new GP’s eye as he winced.

  ‘But you won’t be needing it as much, I’m sure, Lily. There’s lots to do here.’ Fraser sounded hopeful and Alex smiled to himself. If you liked the outdoors the Lake District was brilliant, but if you were forced to move here from a busy city—and he wondered if that was why Lily was so grumpy—and you didn’t much like hills and countryside, then it was going to be a bit of a struggle.

  Alex tried to help. ‘There’s a great climbing wall in Kendal if you like that kind of thing. And there’s some very cool cinemas in Ambleside. Pop into the tourist information centre at Bowness—they have lots of ideas of things to do and they might know of some school-holiday activities going on.’

  Lily sighed again and shook her head and Alex felt for both father and daughter. He didn’t know their story, but there clearly was one.

  Fraser put down his cup. ‘Right, we’re heading off to the school to sign Lily up then we’ve a few more things I need to tick off the list. Registering at the doctors’ is easy, clearly. We need to take Jasper to the vets...do you know any good ones round here you could recommend?’

  Did he? The best. He couldn’t forget the image of her haunted face as he’d told her the truth. The hurt he’d caused then and now that was etched in her features. The swirl of tears that she’d steadfastly blocked away. And the pain under his rib cage that never seemed to abate. He’d do anything to take all that back, but she wasn’t giving him the chance. He looked at Lily, who was staring at him as if he were crazy. ‘Oh. Jasper?

  ‘A dog?’ she said, making it sound more like duh?

  ‘Is he sick?’

  ‘No.’ More duh. ‘He needs a haircut.’

  And for the first time ever Alex was a little relieved that kids weren’t going to happen to him.

  * * *

  Beth didn’t want to talk to Alex because she was finding it da
mned hard to forgive him—or to even understand what the hell he’d been trying to achieve by lying to her—but here he was strolling into the clinic as if he owned the place and she had nowhere to hide.

  Angus was holding the door open and chatting to him and she wanted to shout out to her boss not to leave her here with Alex because she wasn’t sure what she was going to do with all the bottled-up anger, but she also didn’t want to sound like a crazy woman.

  She casually waved as Angus left and then pretended she was busy on the clinic computer, simultaneously trying to stop her hands from shaking and giving her away. She’d wanted to kiss him one last time and walk away unscathed, but instead she felt as if she’d been hit by a two-ton farming truck. And yet there were parts of her that still ached for his touch. Go figure. Maybe she was a crazy woman.

  He came and stood on the opposite side of the reception desk, a face of smiles and sorry and all kinds of sexy. The kiss they’d shared, right here, was a spectre looming between them. ‘Hi, Beth.’

  ‘Button’s in the soft cage in the treatment room.’

  ‘Oh? Not the staff room today? He’s been demoted?’

  ‘Turns out he’s a bit more stubborn than I originally thought.’ Or maybe she’d been a little stretched and short-tempered today. The last few days, if she was honest—even her mum had commented on her bad mood. ‘He kept trying to pull the food bags off the shelves and even got into one of them, so I had to put him somewhere safe while I worked. Anyway, you can go through and get him. I’ve got notes to write up.’

  ‘Beth, we need to—’

  ‘No.’ She cut him off without giving him the pleasure or advantage of being in control of any of this.

  She watched him disappear into the treatment room and put her head in her hands. This was too hard. Made harder because she wasn’t only angry at him, but she also couldn’t forget the way he’d looked at her when he’d kissed her...as if he actually cared. As if he wanted her the same way he’d wanted her all those years ago. And the ache in her chest, through her body, just wouldn’t shift.