A Puppy and a Christmas Proposal Read online

  Too soon man and dog were back in front of her, making a fuss of each other and of her. Alex smiled again and it did something to her tummy. It felt as if he was trying to break through her defences by smiling that beautiful, sexy ‘I want to kiss you again’ smile. It wasn’t going to work.

  It. Would. Not. Work.

  He leaned casually on the reception desk, opposite her. ‘Did the new doctor and his daughter come in today?’

  Beth stood and slapped Button’s lead into his hand. ‘Yes.’

  ‘They have a dog.’

  ‘Yes.’

  She sat down and stared at the desk, noticing the air around her still, and she knew he was looking at her. Waiting. She didn’t, couldn’t look at him because she was barely holding onto her self-control. That kiss had muddied everything, because now she was cross and turned on and confused and conflicted.

  ‘Beth, does this have to be so awkward?’

  Eventually she gained enough strength to raise her eyes, just enough so she could see the buttons on his coat. She wasn’t ready to give him eye contact yet. ‘Yes.’

  He threw up his hands and let Button run off down the pet-shampoo aisle. ‘Can we be civil? Maybe try a little conversation? I recommended that Fraser and his daughter come here. They seem nice, right? I hope so, because I’m going to be working closely with him while Joe is on leave and Jenny’s off sick.’

  Her mother had always told her that if she didn’t have anything nice to say, she shouldn’t say anything at all. She kept her mouth shut.

  Alex didn’t. ‘What kind of dog do they have? Maybe we could arrange playdates for Spike. They’ve just moved up from London, so I thought I’d show them some short walks around the place.’

  The elephant in the room was lies and betrayal but he wanted to talk about his new workmate. Okay. She directed her focus back on the monitor. She had no idea what was on the screen but she stared at it anyway as she said, ‘They have an Old English sheepdog.’

  ‘Beth, please look at me.’

  She didn’t want to. Couldn’t.

  ‘Please. We need to talk. About everything. About the kiss.’

  She closed her eyes and tried not to think about it and how good it had felt.

  And she hated the difficult atmosphere and wanted the ache in her chest to go. What would it hurt to hear him out? What would it hurt to look at him?

  She raised her head and caught the full heat of his gaze. It made her feel off balance. More, she saw pain in his face as he shook his head and that hit her hard in the chest. ‘You lied to me.’

  He shook his head. ‘I’m sorry, Beth. I was young and confused. I was trying to do the best thing I could by you.’

  ‘By leaving me out of the most difficult and significant thing in your life?’

  ‘Yes. Absolutely.’ His eyes were dark, but determination shone through them.

  And that was the thing she couldn’t get her head around: he was adamant he’d been right to do it. ‘I don’t understand. I just don’t understand. I’ve been going through it for the last few days and no... I just would not have done something like that to you.’

  ‘I gave you a future.’

  ‘What does that mean?’

  He huffed out a breath, then came round to sit on a chair, facing her. It looked as if he was trying to find the right words, or choosing carefully, at least. ‘It was December the eighteenth. I’d found a lump and it was big enough for me to know it needed to be seen as soon as possible. On the morning ward round I spoke to the surgeon I was on rotation with. He called his friend, a urologist, who said if I could get to his morning outpatients clinic he could see me straight away. It’s unheard of, I know, but sometimes, if you’re lucky—or unlucky to need it in the first place—things fall into place.’

  She wasn’t sure where this going and what it had to do with her future, because she felt as if it had been ripped away and she hadn’t had a say. ‘And there wasn’t a five-minute gap where you could have called me?’

  ‘I wasn’t thinking straight and my mind was whirling with possibilities—none of them good. I wanted facts before I called anyone and all I could think of was Mikey and how it was going to be for me and how I was going to tell everyone I was going to die.’ He took a breath and she could see some of the fear he’d been experiencing in the tightness of his shoulders and the haunted eyes. ‘So, I had a consult and ultrasound and CT scan that morning, rushed through because the surgeon agreed it was probably malignant...and he’d had a cancellation that afternoon so could fit me in for surgery. Either that or wait three weeks until after the holidays and New Year.’

  ‘You don’t want to wait for something like that.’

  Alex shrugged in agreement and turned his head a little as he talked, taking his gaze elsewhere—she didn’t know where. The past? That hospital? ‘It was late afternoon and he was telling me the diagnosis and...prognosis. It wasn’t good. The ward had been decorated in Christmas stuff and as the doctor was telling me the diagnosis my eyes drifted to a Nativity in the corner. A man, a woman and a baby. And all I could think of was that that was not going to happen to me. I didn’t even know if I was going to make Easter. I couldn’t stop thinking about that scene and how we’d shaped our lives to that and how much you wanted it.’

  ‘It wouldn’t have mattered to me. I would have stood by you.’

  His gaze settled back on her. ‘You can say that now, but you don’t know how you would have reacted as a twenty-one-year-old. You had a lot of living to do and all those plans.’

  Plans she still had. Yes, she wanted a family but so far the chances of that happening were literally zero. Generally, a family didn’t happen without a partner or a child, neither of which existed in her life right now. ‘Plans can change, though. I like to think I would have stayed with you, whatever happened. I would have fought with you, for you.’

  He rubbed his hand over his head. ‘And that’s the whole point, Beth. I didn’t want you to, can’t you see? I’d watched Mikey fight and die. I watched him give up. I fought and fought on his behalf and it didn’t work anyway. I watched him change and I changed along with him. It was hard to see someone you love go through that and then to lose them. You know how it was...’

  She remembered the whispered behind-the-door arguments about how to deal with the prognosis. How everyone had a different opinion about keeping hope or being honest and accepting fate, Mikey’s folks splitting up for a while because they didn’t know how to cope with a child dying. She remembered Alex railing against the boundaries his parents had set for him—coming in late, drinking more, arguing back. The anger-fuelled guilt at not being able to help his cousin in the end. ‘Your family did some hard grieving.’

  ‘We didn’t know how to cope—there are no lessons on that and everyone reacts differently. After Mikey died, we were all so tired and broken by it and I just couldn’t do that to you. Besides, more than anything I didn’t want you to see me like that. I didn’t want you to make promises that you’d feel compelled to keep even if you changed your mind. I certainly didn’t want to offer you a future with me that was either pretty damned short or...infertile. I didn’t want you regretting your promises and looking over your shoulder for a different life with the family you’d always craved. You’d spent a lot of your life looking after your mum and I saw how much that took out of you. I didn’t want you to see me as the same burden.’

  ‘So, you told your parents to tell me you’d gone travelling.’ That explained the rush for them to get the suitcases in the car and the guilt that had been written over their faces. And the worry, now she knew why they had been so anxious to get away.

  ‘It had to be something definitive and final so you wouldn’t be able to find me and see what was happening. Even though they didn’t want to lie they had to do what I asked. They needed me to concentrate on fighting and getting better...if that was possi
ble. Remember, in those first few days we didn’t know how long I had. It had spread.’ It looked as if it was breaking his heart to tell her this. She slid her hand over to his and squeezed tight. It didn’t feel like nearly enough and, more than anything, she wished she’d been with him at the time.

  ‘I’m so sorry. You must have been so scared.’ It was devastating to hear this but, even so, she couldn’t let him off the hook. ‘But what does it say about our relationship that you couldn’t share this with me?’

  ‘It says I loved you.’ His eyes burnt hot and he looked at her with such affection that she couldn’t stop the surge of emotion rising through her. She was briefly tempted to cover his mouth with hers and kiss away the pain she knew he must have had. But there, hammering hard in her head, was the fact that he’d already broken her heart once and she couldn’t let it happen again.

  She slipped her hand out from his and sat back. ‘Weird. Because I always thought that love meant sticking together through thick and thin.’

  ‘You were twenty-one years old, for God’s sake... No one needs to care for their lover like that at twenty-one. And...there was a very high possibility that I wouldn’t come out of it down the track and that you wouldn’t get the family you wanted or even the man you’d fallen for.’

  ‘Wasn’t that something I should have decided? I am so bloody angry with you. You didn’t give me a choice.’

  ‘I was trying to protect you. Protect us both from a whole lot of heartache.’

  ‘How’s that working out for you?’ Because her heart felt as if it had been blown wide open.

  His eyebrows peaked. ‘I’ve had better days. And worse, to be honest. A lot worse.’

  She imagined him at twenty-three years of age, so young and yet sick in hospital, staring at a possibly bleak future or no future at all, with no girlfriend to comfort him. And her heart contracted around a hot fist of hurt, regret and sadness. ‘Alex, this is madness. I don’t know what to say.’

  ‘I had to let you go. I wanted you to have the future you’d always planned for.’

  ‘Without you? We were together for six years. We were engaged to be married. You couldn’t trust me with this?’

  He huffed out a hollow sound. ‘I couldn’t bear for you to look at me, at what I was going to become and what I was going to lose. And I knew you’d still want to honour your commitments regardless of how things changed. A pity marriage, Beth? That wasn’t what I wanted for either of us.’

  ‘Pity?’ That was the furthest from her mind. ‘I would never pity you. I loved you.’ Her heart squeezed with a too-familiar ache.

  Alex’s eyes shuttered closed for a moment. When he opened them the irises were black. ‘You are loyal and loving and have a beautiful soul, Beth. You would have followed through on your promises no matter what. No matter the consequences to you...or me.’

  ‘I thought we were each other’s rocks—through thick and thin—and yet you snatched all that away from me. You didn’t give me a chance to care for you. Care for you, Alex, care about you. Not pity you. There is a difference.’ Her throat was raw with the sting of unshed tears. ‘I don’t believe this. I thought I knew you as well as I knew myself. We were Alex and Beth for so long it took me years to learn how to be just Beth.’

  ‘You could never be just Beth.’ He leaned closer and for a moment she wondered if he was going to put his arms around her and whether she would let him. Whether they could possibly develop anything—even friendship—after this. But he just shook his head. ‘Don’t ever think that. You’re amazing. Beautiful. Funny. Sexy. That’s why I said I wished things could have been different.’

  ‘So why didn’t you come looking for me once you’d finished your treatment? Why didn’t you come and tell me what you’d been through? That you were okay and...’ That you wanted me back? Suddenly the image of a future with him—the same image she’d designed years ago—started to form in her head. He still cared for her, she knew. ‘Why wait eight years to come clean about it?’

  ‘Because, in the end, I still can’t offer you any future.’

  ‘But you said you got the all-clear.’

  He held up his palm again and the look on his face told her that he was not travelling along the same idea path she was. ‘You won’t get your two point four plus a dog with me. I can’t have kids, Beth. Okay?’

  ‘But—’

  The door rattled open and she realised she’d forgotten to lock it or put the closed sign up. Alex did that to her: made her forget things and flustered her. But, once upon a time, he’d made her spirits soar too.

  He was infertile.

  No kids. No family.

  She hadn’t even thought through the ramifications of his treatment. She hadn’t even wondered whether he still wanted the same things. Because she knew damned well that she still did. She hadn’t thought past a delicious kiss and this...this mess of lies and some sort of weird idea of protecting her. His weird idea of what love meant.

  Dennis Blakely stormed through the door cradling a dog, a beautiful but very sick-looking golden retriever. He was breathing heavily and panic flickered across his face. ‘Beth. Beth, can you help?’

  She glanced over at Alex. The conversation was over. She had to think and digest what he’d told her and work out what to do next. If anything. But not now.

  She ran over to Dennis. There was no blood, no obvious injury to either of them. ‘Who is this? What’s happened?’

  ‘It’s Frank Entwhistle’s dog, Alfie. I found him on my farm.’

  ‘What’s wrong with him? Bring him through.’ She nodded goodbye to Alex and gave Button a quick stroke then bustled through into the treatment room.

  He laid the panting dog onto the examination table. ‘Same thing as Meg. Vomiting.’

  ‘Okay.’ If it was the same symptoms she knew exactly what the treatment would be, but she couldn’t assume anything. ‘Why was he at your place?’

  ‘Frank’s a stickler for keeping him up at his farm, but he’s still in hospital and his family aren’t always so careful. My Juney’s on heat and I think Alfie’s keen. Was keen. He must have got loose and run over the fields.’

  Alfie wasn’t quite as lethargic and exhausted as Meg had been so chances were he hadn’t ingested as much as she had. If that was the cause. She couldn’t jump to any conclusions despite what her gut instinct was telling her. ‘Did you see him eat anything?’

  Dennis’s back was turned but she saw the lift of his shoulder as she felt Alfie’s abdomen. ‘No.’

  ‘And June and Meg are fine?’

  ‘Meg’s quiet.’

  ‘That’s as expected. She’s been through a harrowing experience. And your other dog?’

  ‘June’s flighty. Same as always.’

  ‘But okay?’

  He nodded. No sound.

  Beth put Alfie in a holding cage until she’d finished with Dennis. From past experience she knew he’d want to watch over her shoulder so the only way she was going to get him out from under her feet was by walking him out. ‘Right, I’ll do an examination. You know how it goes... I’ll do my best here, Dennis. Go on home and I’ll call you when I know more. Can you call Mrs Entwhistle and let her know her boy is here? Thank goodness you acted so quickly.’

  His eyes glittered. ‘Aye.’

  She ushered Dennis out into the reception area and found Alex and Button waiting for her. Alex jumped up from his seat as soon as he saw her. ‘Are you okay? Do you need a hand?’

  ‘I thought you’d gone.’ She wasn’t sure how to talk to him now. The last few days had been beyond intense. ‘I can manage. You need to take Button home. It’s getting late and he needs his sleep. Routine works best for babies.’

  But Alex shook his head, resolute. ‘We’re staying. If this is anything like Meg you’re going to be up all night. I’m not going to let you do that on your own this time
. We’re not going to let you, are we, Spike?’

  ‘I don’t think that’s a good idea.’

  ‘We won’t get in the way. We’ll wait in the staff room, hot drinks at the ready. When you need one just pop your head in.’

  It was a kind gesture but she needed space, not an entourage of helpers getting under her feet and wheedling their way further in her heart.

  ‘I don’t want you to stay. I can’t deal with this right now, Alex. I need time to think.’ And breathe and do all those mindless chores that would help settle her head and her heart. She glanced over to Dennis and wondered what he was making of all this, and decided she didn’t care right now. She bent and gave her beautiful puppy a good rub then stood to face Alex again. He was looking as if he wanted a good rub too. ‘And actually Angus is on call tonight, not me. He’ll be back in a few minutes. I’m just covering for him while he does a house call. So, thanks, but I won’t be needing you.’

  If Alex was stung by her manner he didn’t show it. He just nodded. ‘Okay. As long as you’re okay. We’ll talk tomorrow.’

  She wanted to say no and that she never wanted to see him again because the more he talked the chasm between them grew.

  And she wanted to say yes, because the thought of never seeing him felt like a wound deep in her soul that would never heal.

  CHAPTER EIGHT

  ‘SO THAT’S THE last of it. All boxed up ready for the removals men tomorrow.’ Beth stepped back and ignored the catch in her throat. All that was left of her home was a huge pile of boxes, one comfortable chair in the lounge and a large stack of full black bin bags ready to be thrown out. Upstairs, in the room that had been her bedroom sanctuary on and off for nearly thirty years, was just her bed and a suitcase of clothes.

  ‘Didn’t we do well?’ Her mum grinned as she wheeled her chair around the large empty space, looking a little flushed and possibly with slightly more swollen feet than usual. Beth made a mental note to mention that to the rest home manager when she moved her mum into Bay View tomorrow morning. ‘You were certainly a woman with a mission tonight, Beth.’